I have a very heavy heart today. Not, however, for the reason that most might think. Today is the day that we had confirmation that our fourth child was, indeed, in Heaven. We had been told just three weeks earlier that I would miscarry that pregnancy. As sad as that day was, I had a peace. At that time, I didn't know whether our family would remain a family of 5 or whether
He would choose to bless us yet again with another little life. I just
knew that drawing closer to Him was my only choice. One day, as I was
having my quiet time with God and studying His word, I felt Him speak to
me more clearly than I have ever felt. He told me that this was not
"MY promised land". He told me that this miscarriage was just a stop in
the wilderness and He would lead me through if I just kept my eyes on
Him. Today is bittersweet. You see, I am rejoicing because, Lord willing, our family will welcome another child into our lives in just a few short weeks. I couldn't be happier about that. I love feeling this sweet little one growing inside me and will never again take that for granted. I had someone ask me once if being pregnant again eased the pain of the loss I had experienced. I didn't really know how to answer that. Rarely does a day go by that I don't think about that sweet little baby of mine in Heaven. However, I am also feeling incredibly blessed that God gave me the opportunity to experience this pregnancy and prayerfully another little life to take care of here on earth.
Despite the fact that I am rejoicing over this little life growing inside me, here is what I struggle with from time to time. I struggle with the fact that even though our family had plans for
that baby's future, I never got to meet this little one. I struggle
with the fact that some people may not consider my loss of a child as
great as the loss of someone that held that child or spent years with
their child. I struggle with the fact that I don't know how to answer
the question..."How many children do you have?". I am not telling you about my struggles to make you feel sorry for me. I am telling you in hopes that it will help if you too have experienced such a loss. There is a song that came on the radio a few days after my miscarriage (as I was sitting in the parking lot at Goodwill :)). The song is "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. The first line in the song states, "There's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh my fail"...how true those words were and are to me. As much as I may
struggle, I still have peace. I have a peace that God is in control of my life and a peace in knowing that I WILL meet
this child one day. To finally
see that face of that precious one I so longed to hold. To see the face
of the one that I saw as part of our family here on earth. Oh, what a glorious day that will be!!
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
